I never plan ahead for Halloween. This year I put ‘Get a Halloween Costume’ on my calendar, for September 1, and here I am without a costume on the night before the night. Now that the costume store is sold out and turning into a Christmas store, here are some ideas that’ll help you avoid being the guy who was too lame to dress up. None of these are my own ideas, but I’m not sure anything on this blog is.

  1. Sexual Harassment Lawsuit – Put on a suit, write sexually harassing comments on pieces of paper, pin them to your suit. Probably best to use a cheap second hand suit. If there is one piece of advice I’d give a 16 year old it would be to buy one or two second hand suits (also known as drinking suits), as they can come in handy for all kinds of shenanigans over the years.
  2. Doctor/Nurse – After the costume shop has sold out of it’s cheap doctor costumes, you can always head to your local nurses supply store to buy some scrubs. Personalize it a bit by adding bits of your favorite tv doctor. Ladies can cut and tighten for a new twist on the always popular ‘slutty nurse’ costume.
  3. God’s Gift to Women – Shout out to the Shark on this one. find a box big enough to wear. Cut a whole in the box. Put your junk in the box. Wait, that’s something else. Cut holes so you can wear said box, wrap it in wrapping paper and add card “To: Women, From: God”.
  4. Box of Wine – Another box costume, probably a lot of things you could do with a box. This one requires some artistic skill or the means to copy and enlarge a Franzia box (don’t they have 24 hour Kinko’s?). So you draw/copy an enlarged Franzia (or your favorite box wine) onto your box, you can even add an actual bag from a box of wine. Bob G. tells me this can lead to back pain if you just have the box sitting on your shoulders and you include the wine.
  5. Chip-n-Dales Dancer – Girls don’t have the market cornered on slutty costumes. Actually the kind of do, but if you have access to tight black pants and a bow tie your ready to fight for man slut equality. The laides will ahve to add cat ears to this one and its a slutty cat (but if your going out in public add some sort of top).

I don’t have time to write all 101 right now. Basically, everyone should own a wearable box and an old suit, and then their costume options are virtually unlimited. If you’ve got any great comments for the Sexual Harassment suit, feel free to leave them in the comments.